Why Change Is So Damn Hard (And How Therapy & Consultation Can Help)

May 19

Written By Laura McKeon

You’ve read the books. You’ve made the lists. You’ve told yourself, “This time, I’m really doing it.”

And then… a week later, you’re back in the same loop — overwhelmed, avoiding, overthinking, or just plain stuck.

Sound familiar?

You're not lazy. You’re not broken. And you’re definitely not alone.

Change — even change we want — is hard. Really hard. And there are real psychological and neurological reasons why.

The Allure of Sameness

We like to think we’re driven by logic, but we’re also wired for familiarity and safety. Even when something isn’t working, there’s often a kind of comfort in the known — the routines, roles, and patterns we can navigate on autopilot.

In fact, neuroscience backs this up.

When your mind isn’t focused on a task, it defaults to the Default Mode Network (DMN) — a collection of brain regions that lights up when you're daydreaming, reflecting, or mentally time-traveling. It's where your inner narrator lives.

Sounds poetic, right? But here's the catch:

The DMN tends to loop old, well-worn stories:

“I never follow through.”
“This probably won’t work.”
“It’s too late for me to change.”

These aren’t just passing thoughts — they’re neural grooves your brain returns to because they’re familiar. The DMN runs on mental muscle memory. Even when it hurts.

That’s part of why change feels threatening — not just emotionally, but neurologically. Your brain is trying to protect you from uncertainty by pulling you back toward what it already knows.

It’s not sabotage. It’s survival.

Intentions vs. Action

You might intend to:

Speak up more
Launch your offer
Lift weights, write a thing, say no for once

But if you’re stuck in a cycle of “I should” without follow-through, it’s not about laziness. It’s about the tug-of-war between your goals and the parts of your system that aren’t quite ready yet.

That’s where therapy or coaching can help.

Real Change: It’s a Spiral, Not a Straight Line

One model I love for naming this process is the Stages of Change, developed by Prochaska & DiClemente. It's often used in health behavior change, but it fits beautifully with identity shifts, burnout recovery, or any life transition.

Here’s a human version of it:

Precontemplation:
“What problem?”
You're not thinking about changing yet. Maybe you don’t even realize something’s off. Or maybe you're too tired to deal with it.

Contemplation:
“Something needs to shift, but… wow, this is complicated.”
You’re aware of the tension, but also deeply ambivalent. You might binge research, make a pros and cons list, then take a nap.

Preparation:
“Okay, I think I’m ready — but I need a game plan.”
You’re gearing up. Maybe you buy the planner. Maybe you talk to a coach. You're inching toward action.

Action:
“I’m in it. Wish me luck.”
You're actually doing the thing. You’re setting boundaries, building the thing, or just showing up. This takes energy and intention.

Maintenance:
“I think this might be working… but I still need support.”
You’re stabilizing new habits or mindsets, but you know how easy it is to drift back. The pull of sameness doesn’t vanish — it just softens.

Recycle (a.k.a. relapse):
“Oops. Fell back. Trying again.”
This isn’t failure — it’s part of the loop. You revisit, rework, and return with more insight.

Therapy helps you identify where you actually are in this cycle — and support the parts of you that are still catching up.

Driving Toward Your Values (The ACT Way)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one of the most powerful tools I use with clients and consultees — not to push change, but to help it unfold more compassionately and effectively.

Here’s the metaphor that says it best:

Imagine you’re the driver of a bus. Your values — the life you want to build — determine where you want to go. But as soon as you start driving, a bunch of unruly passengers (your thoughts, fears, past wounds) start yelling at you from the back.
“You’re going the wrong way.”
“You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Turn around or everyone will judge you.”

You have two options:

Pull the bus over and argue with the passengers
Acknowledge them, let them ride, and keep driving toward your values

ACT helps you do the second one.

It teaches you how to:

Clarify your values (your deeper why)
Practice defusion (so you’re not tangled up in every difficult thought)
Build psychological flexibility — the skill of staying present and aligned, even when it’s hard

Change Is a System, Not a Switch

Real change isn’t about willpower or “getting it together.”

It’s about understanding how your system — your nervous system, your brain, your habits, and your history — responds to uncertainty. And then building a relationship with those parts of you, rather than fighting them.

Therapy, consultation, or intentional support can help you:

Identify where you are in the process (and why it makes sense)
Make space for resistance without being run by it
Move in the direction of your values, even if you’re unsure or scared

Because moving forward doesn’t require perfection. It just requires showing up for what matters — over and over again.